Earwax

Like an outer body
Experience,
I watch myself
watch and listen
watch and listen
watch and listen
To the words that
Fall from my lips
Like bricks
Onto my lap.
I pause for the next
Question.
Wondering if the interviewer
notices the shitload of
Bricks on my lap.

But he nods and rephrases the
Question.
Seeing what he wants to see
Hearing what he wants to hear
Molding my answers into
Correct ones.
And I watch and listen
As he jams those bricks
One by one
Into his ears.

My own personal concundrum

I decided to not wear a bra to work today to see what reaction I would get from customers.

It's not like I wore a tight tank top to accentuate my mammary mosquito bites though. I wore a plain t-shirt so I suppose you couldn't really tell, but still..you could sorta tell.

Anyhow, there's been scientific proof that wearing bras causes a greater chance for breast cancer because of the constricted blood vessels or something or the other. So, in the greater scheme of things, I was just trying to protect my health.

So as it goes, 10 grown men blatantly ogled my breasts as I handed them their change. That was sorta gross but I forgave them because that's just what grown men do when they come into contact with a 23 year old.

27 people (both men and women) had the yo-yo effect of looking at my face, darting their eyes to my chest, and then darting back up to my eyes. It was quite entertaining though having them think that I didn't notice that 3 second reaction.
The men I didn't care for, but the women who did this I wanted to just shout out, "Yeah, that's right, lady. No establishment shackles on these beauties. Jealous, much?"


There were plenty of other customers who didn't have a reaction at all. Maybe they were just respectful and knew me too well.

Maybe the others thought I was a 16-year old boy.

Carnivale

Taking a cue from
The Ringmaster,
I tip my hat and
Smile, oh so big

And the crowds cheer
A mesh of chocolate faces:
Popcorn pimps and
Cotton candy whores

I do my best to entertain
Keep them happy
As my cheeks burn
My smile melts into pain

Then I wonder about
These freaks who
Tie me up
Bound and gagged

You do what you
Can for them
But you have to
Keep the applause

Rodeo punks
Flying diseased acrobats
Twist and turn
For your fancy

I left my soul there
Up on the high wire
And it fell with a
Thump, Splat, Squish

When all along
I was the clown
In the thick makeup
And big Shoes

Smiling, oh so big

Black Ink Words

And so it begins
The endless wait
At the heavily guarded
Airport gate

Maybe I should have
Brought a novel
Or a magazine
To thumb through

Silently, make believe
That I was actually
Interested in the
Black ink words

But like the man
Sitting next to me
With the fresh newspaper
Its only to pass appearances

And make it seem like he
isn't as bored as me
When it's worse, because
now he's $1.50 short

Because if it weren't for the sports pages
Diverting his eyes, he'd have to look into the air
At the strangers passing by
And no one likes eye contact

The painted faces
Blonde, cotton candy hair
Melonball handbags
And dry cleaned suits

A world I will never know
Or would want to
Why would I?
I am drowning in vintage

Or I just call my ripped jeans and
Peasant top that to make
Me feel
More cosmo retro

Who dresses up for the airport?
Not me? Why me? Whose me? Couldn't be.
This seat is uncomfortable
And this lady smells like french fries.

Waiting, waiting, only to see
Starbucks freaks, wireless geeks,
businessmen posers, suck up nosers,
rockstar glam, and fat, tourist hams.

And I hear the shiny group behind me
Reassure the newbie, "You'll love Austin
We see McConaughey and Bullock
All the time."

"And if it weren't for the college kids
It'd be the perfect town. --
Oh, and do you still watch Hollywood Squares?
My sister was on there and won
A bunch of washers and dryers...."

Dulce for the Monks

It's that time of year again. That time of year where you have to be extra careful of what you do, where you go, and who you see because the gates of the afterworld are opened and the spirits (good and trifling) are set loose upon us unsuspecting living souls. You know, right?

Well, I suppose if you're outside of the Buddhist religion, you might have overlooked that this month bad things are more prone to happen because of the dead souls that run rampant causing trouble on Earth. Anyhow, if you don't, just go get a Buddhist book about it and you'll be up to par.

As for now, at this point in the story, me and my family are about to go to temple to pray for our innocent souls and to plead to our ancestors to protect us from uncomely demon-folk who may get in our path.

This is the reason I could not go to my friends dinner party that he invited me to the other day which I had been looking forward to. But me, being the devout Buddhist (YEA RIGHT! haha) decided that staying up drinking and smoking with good people wouldn't be the best thing to do the night before you have to burn incense to your deceased grandmother.

And its also the reason I didn't go out with some other people who had invited me to an outing for my girlfriend's graduation. They were going clubbing or something or the other and I could have met my other friend's new boyfriend from Atlanta who is not of the Asian variety which makes things even funner, don't you think?

And since when do I get invited to so many places in such a short span of time. Since when did I develop a religious conscience and why did it sprout up just when this social circle magically formed around me when I wasn't looking?

But it doesn't matter because now I'm here in front of 20 lotus sitting Buddha statues basking in their revery. I bet my friends are all having delicious hangovers, laughing at their last-night indescretions, and thinking of the greasy breakfast they'll be having at 2 pm in the afternoon. Those bastards, how I envy them and their throbbing brains.

Dad and uncle were unloading the van because mom got the notion that the Buddhist monks were avid fans of ring pops and sour straws, so she gave them three cases of each kind. We have a convenience store so it would be foolish of us not to take advantage of our plentitude of candy disposition. Dad complained to my mother all the way to the temple in the car that monks don't eat candy and that we were being silly. But mom was unwavering in her stance. She said the monks would know what to do with it and she'd have an extra large lotus leaf to sit on in the afterlife because of her generosity. Where would dad be sitting then?

I was a bit embarassed too. But in the end my apathy won out. I imagined the monks actually wide eyed with big smiles on their faces reveling in the sugary treasures. Because up till then, they had only been feasting on stir fried mushrooms and dried ginger. They'd be running around the botanical gardens with oversized ring pops, one on each finger, licking uncontrollably. During prayer, the head monk would have to chastise some for taking licks of their rings during the meditation hours. And some would sneak a sour straw into their mouths while he wasn't looking. And just before they went to bed, they would all see who could stick the most sour straws to their bald heads, remembering the times...so long ago, when they had hair.

Kari's Wedding

"So are you going to be free on Saturday?"

I shifted my cell phone to the other ear and scanned the mental calendar in my head which was pointless because I knew I had nothing scheduled for that day or any other day before or after for that matter.

"I dunno. I guess not. Why?" I asked Maurice quite apathetically. I had had a long day and wasn't feeling social at the moment.

"Well, you remember Kari? Petite Kari from high school? She was a year ahead of us."

I sighed and scanned my brain. It had been about six years since high school but it was still fresh on my mind but I didn't want Maurice to know that.

"Come on, Annie. Cambodian chick. Big boobs."

I giggled. "Yea, I remember her. She getting hitched or something?"

"Yup. Snatched herself a cowboy. So you wana go with me to the wedding?"

"I dunno. I haven't seen any of those people in a while and you know how I get around them. Its sorta weird. Saying things you seem to be saying over and over again and people seem to buy it as real conversation."

"It's up to you. I don't care if you go or not."

"Well, that's nice, asshole. Maybe I shouldn't."

"You know what I mean. I'm sure people will ask about you if you don't go."

By the end of our conversation, I had accepted the invitation but sternly decided that it wasn't necessary to get her a gift since I wasn't directly invited. But I would make sure Maurice put my name on the card. That's just good ettiquette.

****************************************************************************

Is it just me or do we put ourselves in these awkard situations just to torture ourselves because we have nothing else better to do. Most of the guests that would be at the wedding would be distant friends from the past, ghosts that I hadn't seen in awhile. Some maybe last year...some I hadn't seen since high school graduation. And especially at this stage of our lives where we're supposed to be building up our grown-up lives, we all seem to be talking with static in the background. Not knowing exactly what we're trying to say but trying to fool the other person into thinking we are the masters of our lives and knows exactly where we're steering our ship when in reality our compasses are bouncing all around. I'm not an anti-social. I just don't know if these are the people that I can completely be myself around. In a way, they scare me but I guess everyone has that feeling when confronting social situations like this. Right? Or does the cheese stand alone? Who knows.

*********************************************************************************

The wedding wasn't till five so I had all day to lounge around and do nothing which was lovely as I had taken the entire day off from work. But it started worrying me when I saw the grey clouds roll in.

Maurice was late as he rolled into my driveway. I hurried into his car and he blamed me for living so far away and on the other side of the tracks literally. "The damn train took forever to go by. Then it stopped, rolled backwards and then took forever to finish. Dammit."

He had a way of making things my fault when I had no control over the situation whatsoever. He was an asshole that way and I knew there was nothing I could do about it other then harbor asshole opinions of him and he knew that so it was fine. I rolled my eyes at him and headed for the church when the storm burst all around us.

******************************************************************************

"Where the fuck are we supposed to go in at?"

The church was a huge ancient looking thing and so since I wasn't familiar with churches (being Buddhist and all) I assumed it was just at the front door.

But Maurice being the staunch Christian treated me like the ignorant pagan that I was. "No, this church is huge and they lock most of their doors. Dammit." He kept circling the church and I had no idea what we were supposed to do as the rain poured all round us. There was another car that we saw pull into the church parking and we watched. A black woman, quite elderly in a a royal purple dress stepped out with a black umbrella. We watched as she tried the three doors at the front of the church but they were all locked. I felt so bad for her as her dress, hair, and everything were getting wet. All of a sudden we saw a man open a door from the side and wave us all in.

*************************************************************************

We walked in, late and wet. A woman at the door who was passing out the wedding programs shushed us as we shook off our wet clothes. she looked like a huge lilypad in this frilly green frock that made it look like she had no arms. She hurried us to our seats and our hearts broke as we realized that we had walked in right at the end of the ceremony.

The white haired minister spread his hands. "I now pronounce you husband and wife."

Maurice mumbled under his breath. "........fuckin train."

**************************************************************************
"Hey your sister is here. She was here on time. Why didn't we go with her?"

I pointed to Maurice's sister, Lynda. He shook his head. "Why would I want to come with them I don't even like them."

I went to say hi to Lynda and she grabbed my shoulder.

"Does this mean you and Maurice are back together?"

I laughed and shook my head. "No no no no no no, we just come to these things together. It makes him look good to have a date and I get free food. Everyone wins."

**************************************************************************

"So what are you doing now, Annie?"

"I'm helping my mom at our store. Just taking a break really."

"Annie, I haven't seen you in so long! What are you doing now?"

"Well, I'm trying to keep up with my writing. So I'm going back to school in the fall."

"Well, if it isn't Miss Annie. Do you have a corner office yet?"

"Not exactly. Gonna go back to school next month. Can't get enough of the classroom, I guess."

"Annie, I hear you're trying to be a writer? That's gonna be tough."

"Yea gonna take classes in the fall. I'm keeping my fingers crossed."

I got a change to hide in the bathroom for a few minutes. THe ceremoney, i was told, had only lasted fifteen minutes and we had walked in at the final two. Kari has told everyone to come early and that the ceremony would be quick. Maurice nor I had been given that notice. Now was that limbo stage where everyone waits for the reception which was a long two hours away. Some lucky souls slyly stepped out of the church and said their goodbyes until the reception. I was stuck since Maurice was taking this chance to catch up with old friends. I should be doing the same thing but my skin felt so uncomfortable. Maybe it was the rain...maybe it was something else.

I was starving and the reception was too far away. I popped a few peanut M&M's I had smuggled in my purse and fixed myself up. Be brave. These people won't bite.

After leaving the restroom I had a few more conversations with different faces yet the same questions. There were so many times when I wanted to answer someone who had asked what I was up to, "Yea, I've become a professional prostitute down on 6th and Cambria St. You know that corner? Yes, it gets really busy on Fridays. Oh my pimp lets me off on special occasions like this but I have to make it up with at least two times as many tricks tomorrow and that's gonna be hard on Sundays...you know people have church on their minds...but I have my tricks to take their minds off that sermon. AMEN!" If only...if only...

*****************************************************************************

The reception was at a nice fancy hotel but I was disappointed when I saw alcohol was served through a cash bar and I had only brought thirteen dollars. I started off with a Bacardi Coke with three cherries. Wait a minute. There's no alcohol content in cherries. What a waste of volume.

Maurice had chastised again in the car on the way to the reception that I was being anti-social and rude. I shot back that I shouldn't be here and these people freak me out and they make me feel like a shadow of myself. He said that I was being ridiculous and these people only want to talk to me and get to know me and that's all and that I was putting too much pressure on myself. I told him that it all felt fake and I didn't like the way I am around these people. There are just some people that bring out the best in you and shine because you can't help it because they see you for you. But then there are people like these people who make me feel as if I'm made of glass and that they see through me and it's polorizing. We drove in silence for the rest of the ride until the hotel banner hung above us.

***********************************************************************************

Dinner was chicken fried steak, mashed sweet potatoes, and green beans. True country fare. There was also line dancing so I spent most of my time in my chair. I had a good time sitting next to the five year old who was the son of the maid of honor. He told me how ketchup was made out of watermelons and that he had to dance with the bridesmaid who had braces.

************************************************************************************

It was nearing the end of the night and time to catch the bouquet. I sat in the shadows hoping no one would find me but of course the group of giggling girls I was sitting with dragged me to the floor. Thinking the bride would through the bouquet directly to the bridesmaids in the front, I lingered in the back waiting for the DJ to hurry up and count to three.

And then I watched this little petite Asian bride throw a first-down launch as if the bouquet of roses were a pigskin. The flowers were coming right towards me and my mind was already trying to decide---do I move out of the way...do I push this girl beside me in front of the projectile florels....or do I, me with the natural super-glue grip catch this prophetic symbol of matrimony? Of course my spastic self chooses the latter and I am left standing there...as the cheese usually does...alone with a handful of flowers. I am swarmed by giggling females ecstatic even though I don't know why.

A girl with a sweeping french twist and a huge smile gabs, "And see you didn't even want to get up there!! Now look! You're a bride!"

I gave a disingenuine smile and walked back to the table. Maurice knew I wasn't happy with the proceedings that had just taken place. We said our goodbyes, clapped for the line dance that had just finished and went home.

Stop and Shout

So the other day, I decided to go running. Well, it turned out to be more like 2/3 walking and 1/3 running. But it was really hot so you gotta give me credit for trying. Anyhow, today I woke up sore as a bruised banana. I musta been running incorrectly because my shins hurt real bad.

And now my neck is hurting and I keep rotating and rotating and rotating. I guess I should stop rotating.

But I wanted to write something new on here cause I haven't posted in awhile but I have many drafts in the background but nothing good enough for your attention. Hopefully in the next coming weeks.

I am gonna try this running thing though. Ok, maybe just walking. Around my living room. In front of the television. With at least ten minutes of jumping jacks in the corner. How's that? :)