Interview with a Vampire

So how did you two meet?

Thalia giggles and continues, "Oh I was a waitress at the cocktail bar down on 17th street. I had been working there for shit tips and hangovers so I wasn't happy at all. My life sucked."

George interrupts,"But then I swept her off her toes one night. Remember that night, you were such a cunt to me."

"Oh, really, hahaha," Thalia punches him in the arm. "If I remember correctly you were the one who tried to get a free drink, didn't tip enough, and tried to grab my ass all fuckin night. That's not what I call sweeping me off my feet. But for some reason I put up with your nonsense. You were different from all the other bozos. Go figure."

So you two met at a bar and what was yall's first date?

"We went to the movies." Thalia says with confidence.

George has a look of confusion not the first time present since the beginning of this interview. "No we didn't; we went to the Shangri-la. That snazzy joint uptown. They have killer lobster ravioli."

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head disapprovingly, "He doesn't know what he's talking about. It was the movies. The Shangri-la was after that."

George, "Really?"

"Yes. Trust me. We went to the movies, saw that dip-shit Clooney flick, and ended up meeting that other couple."

George slaps his cheek reminicsingly, "Shit, that's right, babe. You have such a good memory. She takes Ginko Biloba. But vitamins like that scare the shit out of me. Heebie-geebies!"

Who's this other couple?

"Oh it was this young newlywed couple that were really cute. He wore black socks and she wore a beret. Black socks! That's genius!" George looks up at some imaginary screen above his head and is lost in his thoughts.

Where were they from? What did yall do?

The two look at eachother.

"That's when we both found out we were vampires and ever since we've been soulmates." Thalia grins a toothy smile and reveals her long canines.

"Oh babe, you said we're soulmates, " he leans in for a kiss. "I need that validation sometimes."

"He's such a pussy." Thalia gives him another kiss and George blushes.

So did yall end up killing that other couple?

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're vampires. Not murderers. Please. All we're doing is eating, feeding, energizing ourselves. Shit, its not like we're killing everything with a pulse. Me and George try to eat as much fruit as we can as long as its red. But for dinner, we have to have at least a body over 125 pounds or we're shot to shit the next morning. It's like a person who has to eat beef. Killing those cows are much more worse than what we do to our prey." Thalia sighs and calms down.

Sorry, I didn't know it was such a touchy term.

George smiles to reassure me Thalia won't get out of hand again, "Everyone's so PC these days. You're cool, dude."

Thanks. Anyhow, how are you guys coping with leading this lifestyle in this day and age?

"It has its rough days. There's so much shit going around these days, you really have to be careful about who you pierce. If you bite someone with thalasemmia or sickle cell, you can have diarrhea for days. There was this one old dude who---"

Thalia interrupts George, "You don't want to hear that story, trust me. Geez, you're such a dork, George."

Not Another Love Song

This isn't love. This is just the beginning of something. Something bigger than either of us know anything about. You'll see. When you experience love, you don't have to ask, it's just already there, defined in your heart and you can't believe that it's actually there, just sitting crossed-legged in your heart like it was effortless.

But this isn't love. You'll see. That's so sad, though, the saddest thing to say to yourself or to another person for that matter "NOT LOVE". Because that's what everyone really wants right-- love.

I'm doing you a favor, though, in the long run. You'll look back and say, Gee she sure was right. I'm sure I didn't waste my time. And I'll smile because I know that you're thinking that and it'll make me smile smile smile.

All I can say is don't give up, ok? If it doesn't happen, today, tomorrow, or the next day, it's because it wasn't supposed to happen today, tomorrow, or the next day. And when you finally give up, fed up with the smothered candle light dinners and hippie talk, you'll feel it crossed legged in your heart wondering, What took you so long?

Dirty Lady, that's just not right...

She was a normal looking lady. Like any other customer that would come into our store. At least nothing to make me take a second glance at her.

She came up to the register and said she wanted to ring up her food order from the kitchen and I said sure, of course. That's when it happened.

She handed me the stinky bills.

At first, I didn't even know where that odor was coming from. It just hit me like a sack of potatoes and I almost burst out saying, "Holy shit, do you smell that shit? What the fuck? What is that? Where is that coming from?" But after batting the empty air and looking down at the bills she had handed me, I realized...it was the stinky bills.

And it's not like I could give the money back. Because the money was real...it just was stinky...but not just stinky...it was STANKY. STANK STANKY. Dirty lady, that just ain't right. But I couldn't say anything to her because it probably would have just embarassed her and made me look like an asshole. And her order was already being cooked. So I had to finish up and give her the change. Once that was done and she had her back turned I hurriedly put the bills in a plastic bag and tied it up as to not have any odor leak out.

But the smell was on my hands now!

It was like the worst smell ever. Even worse than walking behind a garbage truck. Even worse than having a newborn's diaper taped to your nose. Even worse than some hobo in the street who hasn't washed in years and reeks of alcohol and than vomits on you and tries to wash the vomit off with his piss. A mixture of manure, urine, dirt, sweat, fish guts, rancid meat.....those things don't even give the smell justice. This was some prize-winning shit.

And as she waited for the order to finish, she kept buying things which made me have to touch her bills even more.

A candy bar....
...Then a pack of gum.....
.......Then a soda....
..............Then another candy bar.....

Goddammit, stop buying stuff with your stinky money! I was trying so hard to be strong but my mind MY MIND was just repulsed by this lady and her stinky money and for God knows what reason it was that way. I really couldn't think of a feasible reason. Geezus lady, did you wipe your ass with these bills or something??

Finally she left and I thoroughly sanitized my hands with soap, alcohol, bleach...battery acid. Anything I could get my hands on.

The day passed and I was ready to forget until my mom came to count all the money for the day when all of a sudden I hear her shout, "OH my god, did some one step in goose poo-poo??!!

About those children...umm..maybe not.

So after having a training day as a substitute teacher, I decided it's not right for me. The position calls for a completely different person...not me. Yea, I like kids but then there's the part of disciplining them. I can't do that. Especially with someone else's kid. If it were up to me I would let the kids run wild naked in the forest. But I don't think that's what their parents paid for. And the other teachers there weren't as nice and friendly as I wanted. Maybe I'm asking for too much but these ladies were all about reprimanding.."No, mister...I don't think so young lady." Yeesh, all the kids want to do is play. Teachers are supposed to be fun, right?

But to bigger and better things, I also got a job as a cashier for a Chinese restaurant. Now that's more my style right? Half-off of Kung-pao..now that's what I'm talkin bout. ;)

And I also have another job interview at Marble Slab Creamery. Wish me luck. Yup, I'm just trying to get as many jobs as possible. I need a spectrum of experiences for my writing, don't you think?

Won't anyone think about the children!

So, it's official. I have a job as a substitute teacher for toddlers at a Daycare/Academy here in Austin. I am also starting my writing classes next week as well. Wish me luck! Those kids won't know what hit them (and by that I mean, my mega-watt smile and giraffe puppet,Bubba, on my left hand...not corporal punishment or anything...yeesh..hahaha)