My Love Affair with Verne Troyer

We met at a posh party in NYC. His manager knew my manager and thought we should meet because Verne had always wanted to meet me for reasons I will not disclose--the sly dog. We'll just say he liked reading some of my books.

It was quaint at first. We chatted about how I got into my writing and how Verne was tired of playing freaks in Austin Powers or goblins in Harry Potter. The business had so much bullshit swimming in it, he thought maybe he should just settle down and become a yoga instructor. Then the alcohol started flowing through our veins and we stumbled to the pool.

At first glance you wouldn't think him much of an athlete. But at a paltry two feet-eight inches, he can swim like a dolphin on steroids. I, being a drunken fool and a weak swimmer, ended up falling into the heated pool and Verne had to jump in and save me. He's my little life saver, my little turtle.

I don't know how I got back to my apartment that night, but I did and with Verne's number scribbled in permanent marker on my left ankle. How could I not call him and thank him for not letting me drown. (Or had he planned it all out all along?) haha Paranoia makes you think of crazy shit. But you can't really put one past minature midgets.

It was a hard courtship. People would think that he was my baby and the first thing that came to my mind was, "You, fucker, you think I look old enough to have a baby that age? You, cunt."

Verne would ease my hostility and we'd go have a gelato. He always knew how to pull my heart strings.

I'd miss him when he was gone for his acting gigs. He told me that an Austin Powers 4 was coming out and wasn't going to let another two foot eight hard ass take his gig.

"Mini Me is mine, " he'd sometimes scream in his sleep. "Mini Me is mine, you pig fuckers! You can't take it away!" I couldn't sleep for weeks but then I got used to it.

But one day he was completely outraged when he heard rumors of who the next Austin Powers girl was going to be. "If they even put Paris Hilton five feet from me, I will shit rocks! I won't work with people like her. It's an outrage. We have to uphold the respectability of the Austin Powers movies. Goddamn those Hollywood cunts. This is bullshit."

When he met my parents, I knew it would be weird--to say the least. And I knew the first thing my mother would think would be--

"What? A white guy?"

But she got used to it and they became best friends afterwards. They still go play bingo together every Wednesday at the local recreation center. She told me in secret that she thinks of him as her "lucky troll doll."

When we moved in together, I wasn't sure how it was going to work because he needed tiny closets and tiny hangers and tiny desks and tiny drawers. I felt like I was in a Barbie playhouse.

When most people see us, they gasp, gawk, or guffaw. It took awhile for me to get used to it. I almost got to the point where I didn't think it was worth the trouble. But then I would look down into his baby blue eyes and hold his stubbly fingers and realize, wild horses couldn't drag me away.