"So can you?"

"So can I, what?"

"Picture having a relationship with her?"

The thought hadn't really crossed my mind. When I found someone I was interested in, all I knew was that I enjoyed being around that person, no matter what gender. A relationship, no matter what kind or on what level, by any other name would still be a relationship. Sometimes, I think humans can be too picky, or in this case, judgemental. But I guess, many would say that I am not that type. I've thought many a time about that sentiment and would either shrug or say "Fuck you" with my middle fingers held up in the usual rebellious solitary fashion but that's all in my head. I'm not the burly, butch lesbo type. But there was one time where I wanted to beat two teenage girls up for looking at my shoes too hard and laughing....but anyhow.

Kaleigh just so happened to be a girl. I couldn't help that she was the type of person that got under my skin.

I looked at my friend who had posed this reasonable question yet with underlying homophobic tones and I answered, "Sure, I guess."

"Really?" he replied in unneccessary disgusted fashion.

"I don't know..." I trailed off.

I continued drinking my mamosa and hoped the subject would pass. Is this proper brunch conversation? I looked around. To the left was a mother with her two children making a mess with their fruit bowls. To my right was an elderly couple drinking coffee and looking into the distance contemplating more worldly pleasures. I regretted ever bringing Kaliegh up. Now maybe our relationship would be jinxed!

Don't confuse my response of "I don't know" for sexual confusion though. Sexual confusion is just an excuse, I think. My response was merely a reflection of my own self-doubt and lack of self-esteem. If only they sold them in bottles at the corner store.

The marketing posters would say, Steam up your life with a bottle of Self-Esteem now! Buy one, get the next bottle half off for a limited time only! Mmmm....steamy! They'd sell like hotcakes.

We had met in this History of Dinosaurs class. Kaleigh was from Slovenia, a post-grad student taking the class for fun. I was trying to get my degree in paleontology. Did I think it would increase my chances of landing a role in Jurassic Park 5? Maybe...maybe not.

I remember she and I were the only minorities. We had hit it off right away. Clinging to eachother like we were the only albino squirrels in the bunch. Maybe, it was the comfort of knowing that we had more cultural depth in our blood. Maybe, it was her adorable Slovenian accent. Or maybe it was her big brown eyes.

We hadn't really had any deeper conversations than the goings on of class or the surface of our lives. And we'd only seen eachother outside of class on a day when the professor wanted to treat the class for a beer or two at the local pub. He even threw in some nachos, what a sweetheart. I remember when the class was beginning to disperse, I got nervous, said a hurried goodbye, and headed straight to my car and went home. What an idiot!!

But on the last day of class, my heart was ripping at the seams because the thought of this being the last time of seeing Kaleigh was too much for me to bare. No more exchanging notes. No more laughing at the professor's train conductor hats. No more moments of exhileration when she touched my hand to get my attention. It was time to go and I was going to accept it, this was life and life could be at times, for lack of a better word, a bitch. I slowly pulled on my backpack and was ready to say my parting adieu's when Kaleigh turned around--

"Hey, are you gonna be in town for awhile? Let's exchange numbers and maybe we can hang out?" My heart which had had a burnt out light was now shining with a 100 mega-watt bulb. How quickly the tides change! And how excruciatingly easy she made it sound. To just "hang out." Exchange numbers. Maybe it really was that easy...but something in my mind always seems to add extra layers of hardship. I think it's human nature. When things seem too easy, you have to be suspicious.

We exchanged numbers and I was on cloud 9 nonethe less.

I was tired of my french toast. Finishing off my mamosa I decided to leave my friend there alone and solitary like how he had made me feel questioning my relationship.

Somehow I found myself in front of her apartment. Could I? Should I? Would I?

After a debate with myself, I ended up calling Kaliegh and setting up a movie date. I walked up and she let me in.

As I sat in her apartment, a foreign fantasy land of new hopes and possiblities, I noticed the little garden of pots on her windowsill. There was one pot of yellow daffodils that had come into bloom and I thought--Hmm...I thought daffodils would be much bigger...